In an attempt to escape being put on fiscal watch, the Administration's crack security team will issue parking tickets to those parking in visitor spaces who appear as though they might be the college's greatest threat, i.e., students. As anyone with any sense can see, our craven students are clearly behind the Yowell administration's budget woes, and it's only fitting that they pay their fair share of the bill. After all, they have the gall to expect to park near the College, and for years actually did it for free, before the Administration realized our students were cash-cows to be milked at will, then filleted and made into coats when they went dry. Read:
Our parking-lot special-forces team has been profiling people as they arrive on campus; based on the amount of crap the arrivals carry, Edison Defense Forces then make assumptions as to the intention of the interlopers, deciding ultimately whether the parkers are visitors or students. But the students are a wily bunch: some, knowing that Not-So-Big Brother is watching, have resorted to only carrying papers, not having a backpack over their shoulders, not carrying books, or driving their parents cars. Of course, our Barney Fife cannot be fooled. If the driver appears to be a student with the cheek to have parked in one of Edison's 4,000 "visitor" spaces, the security folks rappel from a specially outfitted Cadillac Huey, and ticket the offending automobile.
The Big Honking Fully Competent Business Office, to which Edison's lotzenschtuffel report, has estimated revenues from taxing our students just one more time, in one more way, will be more than enough to cover:
- all unbudgeted and underbudgeted expenses, keeping, ironically, Student Services' budgets flush with cash amid cut after cut in other key areas,
- provide 15% raises for all employees,
- airfare for a graduation ceremony in Texas,
- Crusted Cheese Logs as Holiday Gifts for the English Dept., and,
- in a year when faculty professional development funds have been slashed, first-class, round-trip expenses for four to sunny, sunny, sunny Florida so our administrators can learn about "data," without the need for windbreakers.